The wedding of Sidney and Julie
by Father Green

I would like to welcome you all to the wedding of Sidney & Julie.
Please sit down.

We have before us Sidney & Julie who have agreed to join together in holy wedlock. Sidney & Julie are here to celebrate their wedding amongst friends and family, not to mention a couple of relatives on the groom's side, whom they don't really like very much, but felt if they were not invited, a family row could be the result.

So. Please stand up ------ Sidney and Tracey.

Sidney is, I am told, a local comedian and Julie works as a slaughterman in an abattoir - and she really loves her work. So we have it. The reason they both say, 'This one will kill you'.

We must remember the serious nature of marriage.

Two people, of their own free will, without pressure from parents or friends, entering a state of matrimony where each one swears their faithfulness to one another and solemnly take their wedding vows. Marriage is a serious business, and believe me, I could tell you some stories.

I have seen marriages that haven't lasted as long as the wedding video!

There was one I did last month which was doomed to failure from the outset.
We conducted the ceremony wearing parachutes, freefalling from an aeroplane from 32,000 feet.

Half way down I said, 'Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

He said, 'F**k off ar**hole.'

He said, "All she said to me was 'Do you fancy a quick jump?'"

And they were Manchester City supporters, so I suppose they were used to going down.

I must ask the congregation at this stage to make sure that all mobile phones are switched off. They can interfere with some of the more sophisticated electronic equipment we have operating here, particularly the polygraph (or lie detector) which we use randomly throughout the ceremony. I know the wires often give the impression that the bride is about to give birth or get a heart massage or something, but I find it useful when they give me the cheque.

Well I hope I have put you all at ease and you are all feeling relaxed and happy. I know how stressful wedding ceremonies can be. I have seen enough big yellow stains on wedding dresses to last a lifetime.

So, on with the ceremony....

Father Green: We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Sidney & Julie.

Father Green: Sidney. Do you take Julie to be your lawful wedded wife?

Sidney: I do.

Father Green: Now think carefully about this. I don't want to put a damper on the proceedings but that was a very defininite answer. You can say 'maybe', or 'lets see what she says first' if you want to.

Sidney: No. I mean it. I do.

Father Green: OK. It's your funeral. Well no, it's your wedding. For any of you old folks out there, I can tell you we do really good funerals. Prices and stuff are in the back of the hymn sheet.

Father Green: To have and to hold

Sidney: To have and to hold

Father Green: From this day forward

Sidney: From this day forward

Father Green: Blah blah blah

Sidney: Sorry?

Father Green: Blah blah blah

Sidney: Blah blah blah

Father Green: and blah blah blah blah blah

Sidney: What?

Father Green: I now declare you man and wife. You can kiss the bride.

Sidney: What?

Father Green: I said kiss the bride! Get the man with the video camera. Remember this is a church, so no tongues.

Sidney: You forgot the 'with this ring bit'

Father Green: Picky picky picky

Sidney: But....

Father Green: Listen arsehole. If you want to talk about your ring on your wedding day, you go ahead. Me, I keep it clean. Now piss off. Where's the buffet?

Father Green: Next.

back to fact sheet


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