Jok's Riddle
by Jolly Jok

Jok: Fiddley doh, fiddley dee I have a riddle just for thee.

Mel: Jok. Stop it. You can't keep doing this. We are discussing something else.

Jok: Fiddley doh, fiddley dee I have a riddle just for thee.

Mel: Jok. This is a night out with the lads. Do you want to join in or not? The question is. 'How much does a Lesser Black Backed Gull weigh?'

Graham: You know the rules, so stop pissing about.

Jok: foll de riddle hi. Foll de riddle low. I have a riddle. Do you know?

Jake: Jok. Don't do riddles. Your riddles are rubbish. Join in with this. Guess the weight, and then, just suggest a way of proving it.

Jok: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A

Phil: This is puerile

Steve: OK. I'm going in feet first. I think the gull weighs 10.5 ounces. You could bait a piece of cod or something on the end of a line, swirl it round, and catch it with a fish hook.

Phil: Sorry Steve, we've tried that.

Jok: Foll dee row, Foll dee ree. A riddle! A riddle. Answer me!

Mel: Just ignore him.

Phil: I think lesser black backed gulls weigh 1 pound 8 ounces. We are talking here about males who are two years old or more, aren't we?

Graham: You know the rules. Or don't you listen. It is. 'What is the weight of a mature lesser black backed gull, and how can you prove it.' We have, by consensus, agreed that the only way to prove it, is to catch one, and weigh it. We agreed, that a dead one would weigh the same as a live one. We proved that with spiders.

Jok: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A

Jake: Armchair.

Steve: Don't encourage him.

Phil: Jake. Stop it. Ignore him.

Mel: All right. Jok. Is it an armchair?

Jok: No.

Jok: Foll dee row, foll dee ree. I have a riddle, now answer me!

Graham: Jok. We have never been really close, but I promise you, we will become less than distant when I twat you one, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP.

Graham: Phil. How are you going to prove it?

Phil: Well, I thought if we made a trap out of your van, we could catch one. If we disconnected the hydraulic lifts which open your tailgate, and prop it open with a stick, we could entice the gull inside. If we had string attached to the stick so that when the gull went inside, you pulled the string and the door slams shut! Then you weigh it.

Jok: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A

Jake: Armadillo

Jok: No

Jake: Anteater?

Jok: Close. You're getting warmer.

Mel: Warmer? Armadillo? Anteater? How about antipodean beauty?

Jok: Closer. Warmer.

Graham: Jok. Will you stop it. Stop it.

Graham: I am not at all happy with the idea of a Lesser Black Backed gull inside my van. It might shit on the upholstery. I had a mallard and a Bewicks Swan in there once. They made a hell of a mess. I had to use an Independent Van Interior Cleaning Company to sort it out.

Mel: Do you mean Daft Trevor?

Graham: Yeah.

Phil: We could use poly-something sheets to protect the inside of your van. Line it with stuff that is impervious to Lesser Black Backed Gull shit. So far as the other equipment is concerned, I could get the stick. I have a gut feeling about one pound, eight ounces.

Steve: We could use my gazebo. It is made of some really fantastic material which seems to reject bird shit. We wouldn't need the poles or anything, just the cover. I rent it out most weekends but there must be a free day within the next two months. It's sort of white. And gull shit free. I have a stick as well.

Mel: I think I have a stick

Jake: Jok. Are you sure it wasn't armchair? There's not much else in here beginning with A.

Jok: No

Jok: Foll ol dee riddle oh. I have thee all! I have thee all!

Mel: How can we be sure we have caught a Lesser Black Backed Gull? Could we have inadvertently ensnared a GREATER Black Backed Gull?

Graham: We've done this before! Does nobody read their emails? The Lesser Black backed Gull is easily identified by it's yellow beak with red spot, and it's yellow legs. The Greater Black Backed Gull is slightly darker than it's almost eponymous cousin. It is much rarer AND IT HAS PINK LEGS!!

Phil: Well, be fair Graham, I think we all know that, but what if we, completely by mistake, catch a Herring Gull?

Graham: I don't know why I bother. The Lesser Black Backed Gull is mainly migratory. It moves South in the winter. The Herring Gull is almost totally indigenous to Britain and HERRING GULLS HAVE PINK LEGS TOO!!!!!

Phil: Black Headed gulls?

Graham: PINK LEGS!

Phil: Little Gulls?

Graham: PINK LEGS!!

Phil: Glaucous Gulls?

Graham: PINK LEGS!!!!!!!

Phil: Kittiwake?

Graham: Kittiwakes don't have black backs! If they did, they'd be called Black Backed Kittiwakes.

Jake: Look chaps. Fascinating as it is, I think we have about as much chance of catching a Lesser Black Backed Gull or Lanus Fuscus - yes, I do read my emails - as we have of getting George Michael to play with us.

The Band: OOOOOOOOH

The Band: OOOOH. Oh man of little faith

Jake: All right. David Bowie.

Mel: I did write to David Bowie.

Jake: Was he free?

Mel: Well, he hasn't replied yet.

Jake: I want to know what begins with A.

Jok: Tweedley Dee, Tweedley Dum. Who can answer my riddle? Uum?

Jake: Is it animal, mineral or vegetable?

Jok: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A

Mel: Animal, mineral and so forth is perfectly reasonable Jok.

Jok: OK. I suppose it's mineral. No. Vegetable.

Jake: Is it lying around in here?

Jok: Not really.

Jake: Can we see it out of the window?

Jok: No.

Jake: OK. Could I buy it for you?

Jok: Yes! What begins with 'A'? It's 'A PINT OF BITTER!'

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